How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships and Emotions
You might be a capable, thoughtful adult who still finds that relationships bring out something you can't quite explain.
A partner goes quiet and your stomach drops.
Someone gets close and you feel the urge to pull away.
A small disagreement lands like a threat.
Often these reactions make more sense when we look back at childhood trauma and adversity. Not to blame anyone, but to understand what your nervous system learned early on, and why it is still trying to protect you now.
What are ACEs?
Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events or conditions in the first 18 years of life. The original research grouped them into categories such as:
emotional, physical or sexual abuse
emotional or physical neglect
living with a parent or carer who misused alcohol or drugs
living with someone with a mental health condition
domestic violence in the home
parental separation or divorce
a household member going to prison
The term comes from the landmark ACE Study by Dr Vincent Felitti, Dr Robert Anda and colleagues, published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine in 1998. Surveying over 17,000 adults, they found that childhood adversity was far more common than expected, and that the more categories of adversity a person had experienced, the higher their risk of a wide range of physical and mental health problems later in life.
It is worth saying clearly: an ACE score is not a diagnosis, and it is not a prediction of your future. Many people with high scores build warm, secure relationships. The research describes risks across large groups, not destinies for individuals.
How childhood trauma can show up in adult relationships
When a child's environment is unpredictable, frightening or emotionally unavailable, the nervous system adapts. It learns to scan for danger, to read moods quickly, to keep the peace, or to rely on no one. These are intelligent survival strategies. The difficulty is that they tend to carry on running in adult relationships where they are no longer needed.
Research on attachment helps explain this. Studies consistently link childhood adversity with attachment insecurity in adulthood, which usually shows up in one of two ways:
Attachment anxiety – a deep fear of being abandoned or not being enough. You might need frequent reassurance, read rejection into small moments, or feel flooded when a partner is distant.
Attachment avoidance – discomfort with closeness and dependence. You might value independence fiercely, shut down during emotional conversations, or feel trapped when someone wants more of you.
Many people recognise a mix of both.
Other common threads include:
Difficulty trusting, even when a partner has given no reason for doubt
People-pleasing and struggling to say no, because keeping others happy once kept you safe
Conflict feeling unsafe, so you either avoid it entirely or it escalates very quickly
Being drawn to familiar dynamics, including partners who feel exciting but unpredictable
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions
At the more serious end, the evidence is sobering. A 2017 systematic review and meta-analysis in The Lancet Public Health (Hughes, Bellis and colleagues), pooling 37 studies and over 250,000 people, found that adults with four or more ACEs were around seven and a half times more likely to have experienced interpersonal violence than those with none. That is not about fault. It reflects how adversity can shape what feels "normal", and how hard it can be to recognise and leave harmful situations.
How ACEs can show up in your emotions
Many of the relationship patterns above sit on top of something more basic: how your body handles emotion. A large 2022 meta-analysis in Clinical Psychology Review (Miu and colleagues), drawing on more than 200 studies, found that difficulties with emotion regulation, along with rumination and suppressing feelings, help explain the link between childhood adversity and later mental health problems. In everyday terms, adversity can leave you with a nervous system that goes from 0 to 100 very quickly, or one that switches off altogether.
This can feel like:
Big reactions to small triggers – a tone of voice or an unanswered message sets off anger, panic or tears that feel out of proportion
Numbness or shutdown – going blank, feeling far away, or "not being able to feel anything" when things get emotional
Chronic anxiety or hypervigilance – always braced, always scanning, finding it hard to relax even when things are fine
Shame – a background sense of being too much, not enough, or somehow at fault
Going over and over things – replaying conversations and worrying about what others think
Physical signs – a tight jaw or shoulders, shallow breathing, a knotted stomach, disturbed sleep or unexplained tension
That last point matters. Emotions are not only thoughts; they are physical states. A child who had to stay alert learns to hold that alertness in the muscles, the breath and the gut. As adults we can understand our history perfectly well and still feel the old response fire in the body.
Is it too late to change?
No. One encouraging finding comes from a 2025 study of over 7,000 adults across several countries by Zumdahl, Saxsma and Fraley, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. It found that the age at which adversity happened was generally unrelated to how secure people felt in their adult romantic relationships and attachments more broadly. In other words, the popular idea that very early adversity inevitably "locks in" relationship difficulties is too simple.
Attachment researchers also describe "earned security": people who had difficult childhoods but, through supportive relationships, reflection and therapy, develop the same sense of safety and trust as those who started out with it.
Your nervous system learned these patterns, and it can learn new ones.
How somatic therapy can help
Talking about the past can bring real insight. But if the pattern lives in the body, the body usually needs to be part of the healing. (I explore this further in Somatic Therapy vs Talking Therapy.)
In somatic trauma therapy we work gently with what is happening in your body in the present moment. That might include:
noticing the early physical signs of being triggered, so you can respond rather than react
building the capacity to stay present with difficult feelings without being overwhelmed
practising resourcing and grounding, so safety becomes something you can feel, not just think
releasing held tension and protective holding patterns at a pace that feels manageable
Alongside this, fascial release work such as Fascial Maneuvers can help the body let go of long-held bracing, so that calm and connection feel more available.
The aim is not to relive what happened. It is to help your nervous system learn that it is safe now, so you can meet the people you love with more openness and less fear.
A gentle next step
If you recognise yourself in this article, you are not broken, and you are not alone. Those patterns once helped you survive. With the right support they can soften.
I work with clients online across the UK and in person around Bristol and North Somerset. If you'd like to explore whether somatic therapy is right for you, you can book a free 15-minute consultation.
This article is for general information and isn't a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice. If you are in crisis or feel unsafe, please contact your GP, call NHS 111, or call Samaritans free on 116 123.
References
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.
Bellis, M. A., et al. (2015). Welsh Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. Public Health Wales.
Hughes, K., Bellis, M. A., et al. (2017). The effect of multiple adverse childhood experiences on health: a systematic review and meta-analysis. The Lancet Public Health, 2(8), e356–e366.
Miu, A. C., et al. (2022). Emotion regulation as mediator between childhood adversity and psychopathology: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review.
Zumdahl, M. G., Saxsma, M. G., & Fraley, R. C. (2025). Adult attachment outcomes and the timing of adverse childhood experiences. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
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