Why Men Don’t Ask for Help
"I'm fine." For a lot of men, those two words do a huge amount of work. They close a conversation before it starts, buy time, and keep everything held together.
But holding it together has a cost. Men in the UK are far less likely than women to seek help for their mental health, yet they're far more likely to die by suicide. The gap between those two facts is where a lot of quiet suffering lives.
This post looks at what the research says, why so many men stay silent, and why talking isn't the only way in.
What the research shows
The numbers point the same way: men struggle just as much, but reach out far less.
Men are a minority in therapy. Only 32% of referrals to NHS Talking Therapies in 2023–24 were for men (NHS Digital, via London Assembly Health Committee).
Men wait longer, or never tell anyone. In a YouGov survey of over 2,500 people for the Mental Health Foundation, 28% of men hadn't sought medical help for their last mental health problem, compared with 19% of women. 35% of men waited more than two years, or never told a friend or family member (Mental Health Today).
Yet men are three times more likely to die by suicide. In 2023, 4,506 of the 6,069 suicides registered in England and Wales were men, about three-quarters. Men aged 45–49 had the highest rate of any group (ONS, 2024).
Fewer men in therapy doesn't mean fewer men struggling. It often means the struggle is going unseen.
Why men don't reach out
Most men aren't refusing help because they don't care. Many have learned, often from a young age, that struggling quietly is what a man does.
"Sort it out yourself." A systematic review of the research found that traditional masculine norms, especially self-reliance and keeping emotions in check, are consistently linked with men avoiding help for depression (Seidler et al., 2016).
Fear of looking weak. In interviews with men treated for depression, many described minimising their symptoms and delaying care to protect their job, their role as provider, and how they'd be seen (Staiger et al., 2020).
It doesn't always look like sadness. A large US study found men report more anger, aggression, substance use and risk-taking when depressed. When those signs were counted, men and women had near-equal rates of depression: 30.6% of men and 33.3% of women (Martin et al., 2013).
So a man who's short-tempered, drinking more, working all hours or always "fine" may be carrying far more than anyone realises, including him.
Where the body comes in
When feelings aren't spoken, they don't disappear. They tend to show up in the body instead.
A tight jaw. Shoulders that never quite drop. A chest that feels heavy, a stomach in knots, poor sleep, or a constant low hum of tension. Many men notice these long before they'd ever describe themselves as anxious or depressed.
That's one reason traditional talking therapy can feel like a big ask. Sitting across from someone and being expected to put it all into words is exactly the thing many men have spent years avoiding.
Somatic therapy offers a different way in. Instead of starting with "how do you feel?", we start with "what do you notice in your body?" You don't need the right words, or to relive everything in detail. We work with what's happening physically, helping your nervous system settle and let go of stress it's been holding onto.
A different first step
Reaching out isn't weakness. It's often the hardest and bravest thing a man does.
If you recognise yourself in any of this, you don't have to have it all figured out first. A free 15-minute consultation is simply a conversation, a chance to ask questions and see whether this feels right for you. Until 30 November, taster sessions are also half price at £40, online by video anywhere in the UK.
If this sounds like your partner, dad or brother, you're welcome to share this with him. Sometimes a nudge from someone who cares is what makes the difference.
If you're struggling right now: you can call Samaritans free, any time, on 116 123. CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) also offers support for men on 0800 58 58 58, 5pm to midnight every day. If you're in immediate danger, call 999.
Jamie, Resistance Release
References
Office for National Statistics (2024). Suicides in England and Wales: 2023 registrations.
NHS Digital (2024). NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression, Annual report 2023–24, cited in London Assembly Health Committee, Men's mental health.
Mental Health Foundation / YouGov survey, reported in Mental Health Today: Men less likely to seek medical treatment for mental health issues.
Seidler, Z.E., Dawes, A.J., Rice, S.M., Oliffe, J.L. & Dhillon, H.M. (2016). The role of masculinity in men's help-seeking for depression: a systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106–118.
Staiger, T. et al. (2020). Masculinity and help-seeking among men with depression: a qualitative study. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 11, 599039.
Martin, L.A., Neighbors, H.W. & Griffith, D.M. (2013). The experience of symptoms of depression in men vs women. JAMA Psychiatry, 70(10), 1100–1106.
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